Keep a Relationship Together - Five Patterns to Escape

Tuesday, October 14, 2008 | Labels: | 0 comments |

It can be difficult to keep a relationship together, especially after the breakup words have been uttered. But that's no reason to despair.

While romantic relationships are as individual as the people involved, a few post-breakup patterns exist. These common patterns, according to many counselors, include :

1. Refusing to accept the reality of the breakup. While it takes two to tango, it only takes one to break up. The sooner one accepts the situation, the sooner the healing -- whether as an individual or as a member of a reunited couple -- can begin.

2. Focusing every ounce of energy and every waking moment on ways to get back together with the ex. This is a very common tactic but, unfortunately, it often sabotages any real chance for reconciliation. Both partners need time and space.

3. Searching obsessively for clues and signs that will reveal if the relationship "is really over." While this is a natural tendency, many people get trapped in a habit of endlessly replaying the exact words their ex used during the breakup, needlessly prolonging their pain and suffering.

4. Frequenting singles bars, pretending that everything with them and their life is OK. While going out with friends during a breakup can be helpful, many people wind up falling into potentially self-destructive behaviors -- casual unprotected sex or drinking too much alcohol.

5. Becoming depressed. Depression is a fairly typical initial reaction and is fine in the short-term, as part of the healing process. It's marked by appetite changes, sleep pattern disruptions and the inability to focus on anything -- except the loss of the relationship. Unfortunately, some people fall into a deep depression, which can create numerous problems for their lives.

Whether you want to build a new life on your own or reunite with your ex, the best post-breakup strategy is to become your own best friend. Take all the time you need to feel what you're feeling. Spend quality time with yourself. Dealing with strong emotions can be intimidating but running away from them only creates a worse situation for you.

When confused by emotions, fears and loneliness, most people do not know how to handle the situation. Coming up with a game plan, a method to follow, is far more beneficial than merely reacting to one strong wave of emotion after another. A plan is crucial to being able to keep a relationship together.

Escape and Comfort in Relationship

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We’re going to talk about some “advanced stuff” today, so I want you to pay careful attention. As you may or may not know, it is very important for a woman to feel a sense of security in a relationship, to feel protected when she’s with a man. This is true no matter how powerful or successful she is, and comes back to what I call defining authority in a relationship.

A woman takes comfort in a man who defines authority in a relationship. She feels secure… and the two go hand in hand IF what you’re providing is what I call “true comfort.” See, way too many people confuse comfort with escape and the consequences can be dangerous. So what’s the difference between the two?

Let’s start with what “escape” means. Escape is really the illusion of comfort… a retreat into a false reality in an attempt to get away from “real reality.” Unfortunately, the consequences of “real reality” still apply. An extreme example, of course, is the drug addict who spends all his time either high or trying to get that way, so he doesn’t have to deal with reality. Of course reality always come crashing down, and the addict has to face the consequences of the decisions he made based on events in his illusion that in actuality apply to reality. Usually these consequences are not good… jail, termination of relationships, health problems, etc.

Now, don’t get the idea I think escape is bad, because it’s not, unless taken to the extreme, and mistaken for comfort in the relationship. I think escape is a fine thing IF you both recognize that’s what you’re doing. In fact, many “special friends” or “adventure partner” relationships are based purely on escape, and that’s a great thing… as long as both people realize that and continue to make reality based decisions, not “illusion based” decisions. But, what often happens is one or both partners mistakes escape for comfort, and starts making decisions based on illusion, not reality. I think many long term relationships go bad for this reason. Can escape be part of a successful long term relationship? Sure, and it should be IF “true comfort” is present. “Special friends” or “adventure partners” can be based purely on escape, but if you want to have a successful long term relationship with a wonderful woman, you must be able to provide her true comfort IN ADDITION to escape.

So what is “true comfort?” True comfort comes from the creation of a different reality, the molding and changing of a current reality to create outcomes which lead to comfort and security. The old reality is changed, not “retreated from.” With “escape” you’re dealing with two versions of reality: reality itself and “illusion of reality.” With comfort you’re creating, changing, molding, and shaping your own reality. When you are aware of this distinction, and controlling the direction, your relationship improves on many levels.

True comfort in a relationship comes only from true strength. Only a truly strong man can create his own reality. And true strength comes from sound mind, true character, desire and the willingness to pay the price to create that comfort for her and for you. That means, learning, studying, reading and working on “reality creation”… developing the ability to create your own outcomes with attraction, with money, with your health and with your relationships. When you can do that, you will achieve fulfillment.

When she knows you can create a reality for her and you in these areas she will feel true comfort, even if she herself is already capable of creating these things for herself. Why would a “capable woman” settle for an “incapable man” who can provide only escape, not true comfort? The answer is, she won’t, at least not for long. She may indulge herself in escape for a bit, but when the escape is over and it’s time to get back to reality, she’ll continue her search for the MAN who provides her with true comfort in the relationship she wants.

The lesson is this: if you feel you’re ready for a long term relationship with a wonderful woman who makes every part of your day brighter, you must be strong enough to create true comfort for her. If not, you will only create escape, and your time with her will be momentary. Escape is great for some things, even as part of a long term relationship, but not as its foundation. When it’s true comfort you’re providing her she will stay with you until the end… and beyond.

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